A week ago, on Saturday the first of November 2014 was the first step I took in our journey. Before taking that step I was feeling terrified, anxious, and overwhelmed. And it had been like that till the moment I entered Dr. Azzam's clinic. The minute I stepped in I lost all those feelings, and suddenly it felt like the normal thing to do! I was a bit early, I had to wait till he was there. I sat down and, like I always do, my eyes went through everything. I like to check any place I enter, and feel its energy. I noticed that he doesn't hang baby photos like the rest of the gynaecologists, but, there are those strange paintings. The feelings they bring is not an easy one. I can't explain it unfortunately, but they are not my style anyway. Some time later, a small family enterd the clinic, a man, his wife and their boy, I believe he is eight or something. I took a moment and watched them. I wondered how this woman feels like towards her boy. I think I can never understand this. Suddenly I felt like an alien! I believe the sensors for this kind of feelings were not built-in in my system. I believe the adoption suits me more. Yes, this is the right step. After some time waiting, and moving outside the clinic to get a good connection, I couldn't connect to the internet while I was there. The chairs were anything but comforting. I couldn't sit anymore. Finally, the doctor enterd the clinic while the nurse was taking my info. I had to wait, there were two patients who arrived before me. When it was my turn I went inside.
The doctor started asking the expected questions. He knew I was divorced eight years ago. And for a reason I don't know, he started convincing me to drop the idea of the adoption and reconsider getting married again. It got boring trying just not to respond to this non-sense. Then, I told him, no one deserves to be my husband!
Finally, he decided to stop it, and told me that he would have to make a check-up. Since I am over 35 and I am not married, I have a high probability of having tumors. He wanted to make sure I don't have any. And, actually, this is the main reason that got me here. I wanted to go for breastfeeding, I have to nurse you five times so you become my daughter. This involves taking hormones, and I am afraid I won't be able to do that if I am not healthy.
I entered the examination room for check-up. I hate this. But, I knew it will happen. I won't tell you how painful it was, he had to take a sample of my vaginal cells for testing, to make sure there are no mutations not seen by the naked eye. Experiencing this pain, "I am definitely not getting married again!", that was the first thought that came into my mind!
Then, he went for the sonar, what he told me is that I am perfect and if I wish I could get married and have a child normally, I am not sure what to do with that. I wish I could tell him "it's too late!", I found it better to stay silent and smile, maybe you know by now this is my favourite reply when I am not convinced with what I am hearing. Anyway, it is fine, since there is nothing abnormal.
He writes a prescription of vitamins, and advises me to go to another doctor for the breastfeeding thing. I took the sample and left. The nurse asked me to call her when I receive the results of that examination for the doctor to check them.
Last Tuesday I took that sample to the laboratory, it was too boring waiting for too long there. But, anyway, I should receive the results in two days. I hope there won't be anything wrong with that. Actually this is what I feel.
I have been depressed the past two weeks, and I was checking online tests and did some reading. As far as I understand, this depression won't leave me, it will be a part of my life. And I should get used to it. It makes it a bit hard to go forward in our journey, but, that doesn't mean I will stop, maybe it takes a bit longer. Though I don't want to keep you waiting. I am wondering what is happening to you at this moment. I hope you are doing fine my dear, I will do my best not to make you wait for too long. I love you.
The doctor started asking the expected questions. He knew I was divorced eight years ago. And for a reason I don't know, he started convincing me to drop the idea of the adoption and reconsider getting married again. It got boring trying just not to respond to this non-sense. Then, I told him, no one deserves to be my husband!
Finally, he decided to stop it, and told me that he would have to make a check-up. Since I am over 35 and I am not married, I have a high probability of having tumors. He wanted to make sure I don't have any. And, actually, this is the main reason that got me here. I wanted to go for breastfeeding, I have to nurse you five times so you become my daughter. This involves taking hormones, and I am afraid I won't be able to do that if I am not healthy.
I entered the examination room for check-up. I hate this. But, I knew it will happen. I won't tell you how painful it was, he had to take a sample of my vaginal cells for testing, to make sure there are no mutations not seen by the naked eye. Experiencing this pain, "I am definitely not getting married again!", that was the first thought that came into my mind!
Then, he went for the sonar, what he told me is that I am perfect and if I wish I could get married and have a child normally, I am not sure what to do with that. I wish I could tell him "it's too late!", I found it better to stay silent and smile, maybe you know by now this is my favourite reply when I am not convinced with what I am hearing. Anyway, it is fine, since there is nothing abnormal.
He writes a prescription of vitamins, and advises me to go to another doctor for the breastfeeding thing. I took the sample and left. The nurse asked me to call her when I receive the results of that examination for the doctor to check them.
Last Tuesday I took that sample to the laboratory, it was too boring waiting for too long there. But, anyway, I should receive the results in two days. I hope there won't be anything wrong with that. Actually this is what I feel.
I have been depressed the past two weeks, and I was checking online tests and did some reading. As far as I understand, this depression won't leave me, it will be a part of my life. And I should get used to it. It makes it a bit hard to go forward in our journey, but, that doesn't mean I will stop, maybe it takes a bit longer. Though I don't want to keep you waiting. I am wondering what is happening to you at this moment. I hope you are doing fine my dear, I will do my best not to make you wait for too long. I love you.
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