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Two persons in one body!

That's how it feels like, if there are not more than two!

Almost every night I go to bed, while am about to fall asleep, this one asks me to wake up and faces me with the sweet fact that all am living now is just fake! Life is all fake, and it will all end someday, somehow. The other person seems to refuse that fact, though it knows it is true, it doesn't wanna face it. It has been like that for many years, but now I think I am so tired that I wanna keep them both silent! The sooner I face that fact the sooner my suffering will end.

While writing this, I realize that a year ago, that voice was all silent, I thought it died! But, it is so alive and kicking! I believe this person is a part of my major depression. I am starting to believe I need urgent help. But, am even too tired to seek it.

I am drowning in a whirl of depression. I can't find my way out of that whirl. Everything is going so wrong, am so tired of fighting for a life that am not even interested in. Everything is so hard to get, even the cup of tea, or a plain croissant! Whatever I try to get, it is always the wrong thing I receive! Why do I say yes, I have no idea! Why do I receive anything that is served in my plate even if it is not what I asked for?! That's the typical me! 

Asking myself how can everything be so hard, there has to be something wrong I do, or maybe it is a curse! What is the mistake? Why can't I get just a peaceful life with no huge challenges! Reading quotes that all the challenges I meet are to prepare me with strength, my only reply is that am strong enough, please, I need no more! I am done with this life! I am done with this world!

I got no road to take, I am very confused, I think I lost all my values. Each and every choice I have in sight needs persistence, and I ran out of persistence some time ago!

Am tired if thinking, am tired of being me.

This fight inside of me, how can I end it? Which person should I follow? Is life a fake? If life is fake, why do I have to live it? How can I live it knowing it is fake? How can I follow the other one who doesn't wanna face the fact that this all is non-sense and will end eventually?

Is there a way out of this whirl?
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"Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast."

The Prophet ~ Khalil Gibran