Following the advice of everybody, I decided to contact a family consultant to see how I am gonna tell you your true story in the most descent way. Actually, it happened by chance, that guy had added me on facebook last April, it didn't feel well for some reason I don't know...just a feeling, I believe you know by now that I get these gut feelings and they turn out to be true after a while. Anyway, a week ago he sent me an invitation on facebook messenger to his new NLP course. I am busy during the course time, so I apologized politely, then, it started! He started telling me some details about his degrees, and that he's 40 and that he has got a boy and a girl! I am not sure what does the course have to do with this, or what do I have to do with this info, but, it is a typical way when a man has got a crush on you and tries to be nice, you will get used to that! I decided to take the chance when I knew about his degrees, and started chatting with him about my plans with you. He asked for my number, to send me vidoes on whatsapp, the same bullshit! I gave him the number because I wanted to call him anyway to arrange for a session. The next day we had a long phone call, about 45 min. When I told him that I am writing you letters, he asked to meet. And we arranged for a meeting that night. He refused to tell me about the session pricing! He ended the call asking me not to take the decision before we meet! I could sense it, but I thought I will take the road till the end, maybe I get any useful information. Through out the call, he was making it look so bad, that I felt too depressed and helpless. Aunt Mariam called later and tried to cheer me up, and that things won't be that bad and that she will support me through each and every phase. The night came, we met in costa Heliopolis, too crowded that we decided to go to another place. I didn't have my car that night, so I went with him in his car! Too crazy, I know. Another boundary crossed! Actually, in that night he crossed many boundaries :( !
After roaming in Korba, we found a quite cafe where we can sit and talk. He kept talking about himself. It took him so long, almost two hours telling me the story of his life. Then he started asking about some personal details, he gave me a quick test, I could sense he was trying to know as much as he could about me, he was trying to find a way to manipulate me. I kept talking, wishing this part will end, till we talk about my plans for you. And, when it was time, I found that he has no answers for my questions. He was just making it so hard for me so he can have me for himsef! It was 10:30, he drove me home! Now, he knows everything about me, even where I live, and the model of my car! He said he was thankful that I trusted him, and that he will be there anytime I need him! I returned home and told my soul twin that he's either looking for a woman to sleep with, or with a friend to talk to...I gave him the benefit of doubt!
The next day it was so clear, he only wants a woman to be his girlfriend, something am sure am not ready for. He asked that I text him when I wake up and when I go to bed! I was too shocked that I had no answers. He is too old for this shit! The only man I used to do this with is the man I love. How could he think I would do that for him?! How could he think that I would give up my plans for him, I give up you for him! The funny thing, is that last December I met another guy and he played the same game! Now, I belive the problem is with December, and that I should hibernate during this month!
The sad part about it is that his nagging makes me feel weak! Any woman needs to feel cared for. And, I hate it when I have to face this. My love told me he will take care of me, he promised that he won't let any man use me! But, I am being attacked again, and I need it badly! Sometimes I get so weak and I feel like answering his texts. My friends are trying to support me. I hope I won't fall.
Last night, I was watching "27 dresses", a nice movie. Seeing the happy ending, I got tears in my eyes. So, like every time I feel helpless, I kept telling myself, those endings are not for me. I am not made to have this kind of life, having a man to lean on is forbidden to me. That's the only way I know to resist and stay strong!
Today, on my way to work, my CD player didn't work. I tried another CD, it worked, for my bad! I listened to that song, and it broke my heart, "Habaitak Ana" by Rami Ayash. I am too weak working on that project with aunt Mariam, I am too stressed, fighting is so hard. I met a friend at night, he gave me all the "star wars" parts. And he helped us with some information for our project, with a little chatting, I discovered that all the news that Mariam's husband brought about my love were false! He lied to me, aiming to gain my friendship to solve his problems with his wife! He knew my love is my weak point, and he manipulated me! Realising this, it took me 15 minutes to get back into the talk, I was feeling lost, and confused. As if every man I meet manipulates me for his own good. And I meet an asshole around every corner. And, the truth is, I am very weak. The truth is, I am tired of living on my own. The truth is, I need you by my side to resist! I hurt myself many times during the past 15 years because I got weak. Because I gave chances to those who never deserve. And, the only one who did, just ran away! The truth is, I need you more than you can ever imagine, you are my baby, but you are my defender too! I know with you I won't give chances to anyone. How can I trust anyone anyway after my love ran away! If he did, who would ever care! I need you Maria, and I don't know why it took them so long. I am still waiting for the first committee acceptance. Yes, I am too busy, too sick and worn-out. But, my heart is too hollow! My only wish now is that you be here before I lose all my resistance to his nagging. Be here Maria.
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