Marwan once told his sister: "You will never succeed in marriage, you are a free woman. Any man here would always try to enslave you. That's when you will choke, and you will break that marriage."
My dear teenage brorther managed to solve my lifetime riddle. With his simple words he inspired me with the solution that took many years in vain; why it never works? though each and every one I meet is totally different than the others, what is the common thing between them that makes it fail? The answer is simple; they are all slaves!
I wasted many years of my life trying to find the "right man", and it never worked. In each relationship of these, long or short, I had to pay an expensive price, either from my faith, my health, energry, or my youth years! I paid dearly!
They are all slaves!
For any given moment, or any given situation, you always have the choice to be a free man or a slave. Each one of them, in a given moment or a given situation decided to be a slave. A slave to bad habits, a slave to psychological sickness (the most understood, and maybe the only forgiven!). A slave to parents, a slave to fear (fear of the unknown), a slave to social image, a slave to lust! A slave to stubborn thoughts and beliefs!
And lastly comes my dear friend, he was my last hope that free men do exist. But, in his given situation, he decided to be a slave to love!
In common, they are all slaves!
Freedom
My definition for freedom is not letting anything control me, even the morning cup of coffee! Now, am trying all kinds of therapy so not to be a slave to medicine! (The illness that took over me after the love my life failed me.) Yes, that's the level of freedom I expect. But, would I ever find a man that free?!
I think I have no answer to this question. How can I know if a man is really free or not before being too involved with him? That's another question that I have no answer to. I thought that I could have become a slave to my fears, but, it's pure logic not to get myself into any kind of relationships before I figure that out, and that's why in this given moment I choose to be on my own. I am not ready to lose myself again. Though I don't like my new self. The one self that rised after I was killed by the man I loved. I am not in love with the new me because when I was reborn, I lost my ability to dream, I lost faith in people, and I think I am not capable of love anymore! All I care for now is to collect my broken pieces. Try to regain what's possible of my health. Try to fix my financials (after the were badly affected with my health state). Take care of my little girl and maintain a safe life to her.
I don't care to have answers to these questions, because they came too late! They came after I lost interest in being in a relationship or sharing life with anyone. I think I am finally free of the idea of marriage! Now I can say am totally free :)
amazing true conversation with oneself!
ReplyDeletebtw it is never too late for anything
i guess we dont need answers we only explore searching for it.
anyone one could be free from slavery expect to God, i guess they do exist, but may be rarely.
if you can be slave to God against nothing, then you will find someone too.
I hope this is true. Thanks a lot for your support :)
DeleteEvery word you wrote is totally true .. and one shouldn't be slave to anything but rare people can do that..
ReplyDeleteLoved the feeling you have for your little girl ... And Naela you are really unique so u deserve someone like you..
I just saw your comment! Do not receive notifications on comments. Thanks a lot :)
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