Waiting anxiously!

I thought I won't have time or much to say before you are here. But, I have been trying to reach mrs. Hanan the past few days in vain! This is making me anxious cause I can't plan my days. I am just waiting for her to show up. I should be taking you home tomorrow and I am not sure if this will be the case!

You are becoming so cute and lovable. On the first of May, you used your voice for the first time. You were like exploring how it works. The sounds you made were so funny, you were almost meoing like a cat :D. I recorded a couple of videos for you. On that day you smiled to me too for the first time, I think that's the day you turened three months, cause you changed a lot. You always seemed to have a special connection with Mervat, the girl who takes care of you. And, I can't lie, this made me jealous! You never looked at me the same way you look at her. When she used to bring you to me, and leaves, you turned your head searching for her. You never acted the same way when I leave. But, on the first of May, the way you deal with me changed a lot. Samar says that you know me well if you sleep in my arms. I am not sure if she's trying to be nice or if that's true. You have become more healthy, no bloating or screeming at night. They say one reason is that you are sensitive, and you have been moving from a mom to another. The first one I met was Rahma, although she seemed very kind, and looked like her name, she didn't stay there for too long. I believe you love Mervat, and that she's taking good care of you. My intentions is that we keep visiting them, I am grateful for them all. 

Yesterday, I bought you the rest of your stuff; milk, milupa, the carrier, socks, blankets and bavettas (these were the ones that got me too worried as I couldn't find any good ones!) Now, I got more washing to do! I have some plans to get my camera ready, and get back to phtography. I don't want all your photos to be taken by phone. I need to buy batteries, and a new hard drive to store the photos.

On the other hand life doesn't seem nice. It  is very stressful actually. Last Thursday I went to work to receive my 2 months salary which I couldn't receive for the oxygen therapy sessions I attended. I was broke. There I met my colleague Eslam, I planned that meeting a couple of days before, I wanted to know what's going on with the company. And, as I expected, it is just a matter of time, things are not promising. I need to find another source of income. Now, I am confused, I am not getting any support in the coaching career, and am disappointed with my cousin, who seems to taking it as a way to have fun. She has a good job and she's not worried about money. It was better for me to have a partner as I am not in the good shape to take the whole thing on my own. But, seems I will have to face it. I can't depend on anyone, no matter how close we are. Mariam is still suffering after her divorce and lots of issues in her life, including a career move she was forced to make, as we don't  have a company anymore, she doesn't have much time or energy so we start acting on our project! Should I search for a new job in the IT field?! That doesn't sound logic. I will be taking steps back! And I will be wasting my energy and time, that I could use to grow the coaching career. A week ago or so, I tried the immigration application to New Zealand, I wanted to know if I can apply as a coach. And it was as I expeted, even worse! The "coach" occupation is not included in the list! They only take counselors, and technically that is different than coaching. I tried to search for coaching jobs online, as I found this would add to my points. And I couldn't find any! Only a coaching association claiming that there are no coaching opportunities in New Zealand. As a last hope, I decided to contact Nada, she was my colleague in the coaching academy. She lived in Auckland. I told her my story and that I wanted to move there. After a couple of days she replied that she is finding it hard to build her career there. Only because she had charity work for 15 years she could find a job. And she advised that I apply in the IT!

Now, I am stuck. We, are stuck! Seems we can't move out of here until am a millionaire! And, I don't think there is a chance with this, as things are becoming so harsh here. Yesterday it was a 1000 days after Rabaa massacare. A couple of hours ago, 8 police officers were kiled in Helwan as a revenge. They were shoot in a microbus with 50 bullets or so. It is said that ISIS flag was with the assailants! Lasst night, I was watching a documentary on BBC Arabic, about the world war II, and I believe the conditions that preceded the war are not much different than what we have now. I have always believed we are approaching a world war III, and I wish I am wrong! All my hopes now is to find you a safe and healthy place to grow. And this feels like the impossible!

You know dear am tired. If it weren't for you, maybe I wouldn't be in this crazy world now. I love you more than I ever expected to. Sometimes I think if you were my biological baby, would I ever love you more? I don't think so! God has got His ways. He planned for us to be together. Though you may not like it, but, probably that is the best for you, and for me. I don't know why am writing this now, but, maybe you will need to read it someday, right now while you are reading! Always have faith in God and His plans. He knows what's best for you. I wish I could explain how I feel right now, a couple of minutes ago I was checking my phone to search the dictionary for a word. And for the first time, I opened the BBM which I didn't use for two years, it had a pending notification. Checking the contacts history, on the 10th of Jul, I found the name "El tenen ;)" changed his display picture. How sarcastic! Now I remember I bought my new phone on the 10th of Jul almost two years ago. I am not sure why I see his name in the list, he blocked me then! For the first seconds, I didn't know whom it is!  How reading the name felt strange, with a mix of feelings of pain and surprise! All that happened while am writing to you, with all the hope and love I feel for you! Life is really strange, so let go of everything, step back and watch :)

I am still confused if I should change your name, I got used to the name they gave to you. My only reason for keeping on Maria was the case if we go for immigration, I want your life to be easier. I need to pray to know the answer for that, and the answer for what to do next. I need to pray for many things. We got a month till Ramadan, maybe I make many decisions by then.

Anyway, I think I haven't got anything else to say for now. I love you :*

An update; I was writing this 7 in the morning and I didn't publish, now it is almost noon. I got a call from Nagah asking if the social affairs arranged for receiving, so I called Hanan and she finally answered. She said that it will be within a week!! I got really upset. I called Nagah back to inform her. I had an intuition after I met you for the first time. That something is gonna happen on 24th or 25th of May. I thought it would be the time I receive you. But, when I calculated the time, I knew it is somethig else. I am not sure now. I am so upset that I will have to wait for another week. I hope I won't have to wait for that long. Love you sweety :*