Mind, Heart & Soul

That's how it feels like, if there are not more than two! Almost every night I go to bed, while am about to fall asleep, this one asks me to wake up and faces me with the sweet fact that all am living now is just fake! Life is all fake, and it will all end someday, somehow. The other person seems to refuse that fact, though it knows it is true, it doesn't wanna face it. It has been like that for many years, but now I think I am so tired that I wanna keep them both silent! The sooner I face that fact the sooner my suffering will end. While writing this, I realize that a year ago, that voice was all silent, I thought it died! But, it is so alive and kicking! I believe this person is a part of my major depression. I am starting to believe I need urgent help. But, am even too tired to seek it. I am drowning in a whirl of depression. I can't find my way out of that whirl. Everything is going so wrong, am so tired of fighting for a life that am not even interested in. Every...

My girl, take care, sometimes when you are filled with hope you may be delusional. You may see things that don't exist. Your mind will go interpret everything that serves your hopes. Yes, it is good to have hopes and dreams, but it is bad, very bad, to be delusional! Don't ever expect people who let you go will come back again for you. If they thought you are worthless probably this won't change. Be sure that those who care for you will move mountains to be with you. If they don't, then probably they don't care well enough. There are moments when you have to do everything to prove your love and care to people, and when you are sure you have done your part, it should be their turn to do the same. Sometimes it is now or never! Sometimes you could be so weak that you can't wait any longer! If they don't do their part, and if they ignore all your needs, then they never deserved it from the beginning. I wish I could come with you with a fairy tale that pro...

Karma Saturday 28th of February I decided to take that step and make that call. I was planning to start the paper work for your adoption. In that call, I knew it, I can't give you that name! I can only give you a family name. What I felt in that moment was not good. I felt a strange kind of blockage, as if I don't want to do it. No, it is not that I don't want you, I don't want it! I hated that process, before I even start it!! The very first thing that came in my mind was the other option, adopting a Syrian girl. I know it sounds stupid, should I give up on the whole process for just that!! That night was not a good night!! Till, one thing happened, an old story, karma got me my right back, even if it took more than 6 years!! But, yes, that's what happens dear. This day I went to bed with faith. Faith that everything went wrong will turn right, and suddenly all my depression has gone away. I see the world from a different perspective now, I am so excited about m...

A number of years ago (can't remember the count) I used to hear this figure in my head "36". I couldn't get what that meant exactly, but, back then, I thought this could mean that I may die when I am 36! That idea was scary, so I used to kick it out of my head. I kept hearing the "36" though, for so many years. A few months ago, I remembered that voice. Though I don't hear it anymore. And, then, I had a different idea, maybe it means that my life will "start" when I am 36, specially that I don't believe that I had a real life since I was born. I had that positive feeling that I deserve my life to start, I have been preparing for for too long. That was a few months ago! Today, I turn 36. And the funny thing is that I like the first idea more! My faith and beliefs are all messed up with the effect of my major depressive disroder. I am tired. I believe I had enough. I have no wishes or hopes. The only thing I could be wishing for is be ...

Summary The latest battle I have to deal with. The battlefield is my body. The battle is between the alien and the old me. The old me has disappointed my mind badly. My mind created an alien! The Alien "The Alien" has no emotions. "The Alien" is strong. "The Alien" has no faith. "The Alien" doesn't dream. "The Alien" has no interest in life. "The Alien" has a clear plan. "The Alien" works on his plan and doesn't care what's going on in the world. "The Alien" can do it! Me! "Me" used to dream. "Me" used to have faith. "Me" used to believe in myself, in my dreams. "Me" used to trust people. "Me" used to love unconditionally. "Me" used to see the positive in everything. "Me" had all kinds of emotions. "Me" used to fear, but was mad enough to face her fears. After "Me" failed, my min...

Looking back at my life...Remembering you... Feeling responsible cause I could be your catalyst for change... Would you have ever changed?? Shouldn't have I left?? Am I experiencing a curse now cause I left when I shouldn't?? If only I could ask you these questions!! Is this regret!! I have always asked God for signs, and I did my best to follow them.. I still do, but it has been so long, and I can't SEE what I expected after following those signs. Am I reading them wrong?? God, if this doesn't change soon, I will be a mess!! Please!! All I can do now is pray for you. I wish you a happy life. I wish you success. I wish I never had to walk away this way. I wish you forgive me...I couldn't do more!!

You think of her and you smile. You miss the look in her eyes. You miss the smile on her face. You miss the touch of her hand. You miss the way she said "I love you" You think when you will see her again. A sudden pain you feel in your heart, with a vague thought that you can't understand. No, you are not allowed to see her anymore. She is the one who stabbed you near your heart. She is the one who killed you. Now, you don't know what is your reality and what's just a dream. Dreaming of her became your reality, and your reality is only a nightmare you wish will end one day! Your heart wishes, and your mind slaps you back! Those dreams are not allowed anymore. Just wake up for your new reality. You will never see her again. You will never enjoy that time you spent together again. The time that you felt you stole from the whole world, just to be with her. Never again! She is the one who killed you, how could you still be in love with her! You are dead ...

Why are we always happy expecting a baby and waiting for them to arrive, and always sad saying goodbye to someone when they leave?? As if this world is the right place live!! Long long ago, I used to feel the same way, happy for a newborn, sad for a death. A number of years later, I used to feel the opposite. At this time I could have babies of my own, but I used to feel guilt bringing them to this "cruel" world, as I used to see it at this phase of my life. Now, I have a third perspective. I accept both. I cherich both feelings, when a baby arrives I know he will bring joy with him to his family and people living around him. When I hear about a death I accept it, cause I am sure that this person has just ended his journey earlier and arrived to a much better place!! It is not really about this world, this world is a transition, wherever we were before, and wherever we should be later is the real world to me!

Background: At home we face a problem with light bulbs, a bulb last for a month or so. We barely have our living room chandelier with full capacity working. Note: We never considered eco lights, I don't believe they are environment friendly, considering how to get rid of them! Yesterday, I went to the supermarket with mom. And regarding the background above, buying light bulbs is a kind of scientific research! So, mom picked one new brand we never tried. There was written that this bulb should last for 9 years and that was tested! At one side of the box was written that this is considered while the bulb is on for 3 hours a day!! And that it is made in Egypt!! So, automatically, we put it back in the row! Now, I am thinking, whoever wrote this on the box, does he really live in Egypt? Does he know we have 12 hours of night?? How can I use the bulb for only 3 hours a day? Should I use candles the rest of the night or what!! Ok, why did we gave up on candles? Why did Edison i...

As a long term sufferer and a strong believer, I've been always seeking signs to tell me when my sufferings will end. Asking God to guide me, and give me help to get over it. About two weeks ago, I started seeing sings that my sufferings are ending soon. It felt really relieving. But, suddenly, I started reading different signs. All the new signs talked about death and judgment day! Now, I can't help it but start believing that yes, those suffering years are ending soon, but in a different, unexpected way! Could it really be? Am I dying soon?!! Actually, it doesn't feel like a bad idea. It is not because I'm depressed or anything. I just believe that the best is waiting for me in the other world, and I really miss God! It feels weird. A bit terrifying, going to the unknown! A bit not happy, because I didn't really do all I wanted to. I still have lots of dreams to fulfill, of course, those dreams are not concerning me personally. I always wished I will have the cha...

I wake up late this morning. Like everyday, I get ready in a hurry, I open the door to check the newspaper before I leave. And, for my surprise, I find a beautiful basket of flowers. "Whom is the cute one who ever thought to send this to me?" I thought to myself. I pick up the basket to check the card attached there. "The card is not signed!!! It gotta be him". Now, all the happiness within me turns into rage! I wish I can see him now to punch him in the face! "How dare you! After all those years. Now, you remember me!! Where have you been all this time?! Why now! How can you be so evil! How I hate you!!"... Now, I start hearing a different voice, saying exactly the opposite! Voice 2 : Why are you being so cruel! You know it's not his fault! Voice 1 : No.. It's him, If he just mentioned it, life would have looked so different now! Another voice joins the fight! Voice 3 : Oh God! Why is this happening to me! I thought it was all over! Why, after ...

The last time I listened to this song (Nassaya - Hisham Abbas) , before this night on the radio on my way back home, it was about 18 years ago. First, I didn't even remember the name of the song. Then as the song played, I started remembering the melody, and hardly the lyrics. While it was nearly the middle of the song, I couldn't help the tears! The delicate song, reminded me of my heart that once used to be, the same time this song was released! I had no worries, the whole world was just a beautiful song. I didn't know what pain means. I didn't know that pain even exists. I didn't know what regret is. I didn't try failure by then. I was so clean, so innocent. I was so fresh and happy. My heart was pure ... undamaged. I miss this feeling of pureness. I wish I could be so clean again. But, how can I come pure again after walking through this mire. Years of suffering and pain. All kinds of pain, loss is the main title, losing loved ones, losing years, losing emo...

When I was a young girl, in my teenage time, I used to like a french singer; Frédéric François . I used to watch his concerts on TV and get dizzy with all this romance in his songs. My favorite wish then was to attend a concert for him. It looked like the impossible. If anybody told me then, "One day, you will attend a concert for this guy.", I would consider him totally insane! The day had come! About ten days ago, I opened the newspaper, to find a small essay, at the last page, on one of the corners. "Frédéric François; is to hold a concert in Cairo Opera House, in two days." I wasn't really surprised, nor excited! But the very first thought that came to my mind, that the concert will be a private concert, and that I will need an invitation for attendance. So, I immediately let go the idea of attending. Went to work, discussed the news with my cousin, he started sending me some of his songs. And after a little thinking, I discovered it's been two years sin...

Stage 1: Everything, all the signs look positive. (Stable State of Heart) No answers, no clues, not a sign of anything I can do. (Helpless State of Mind) Stage 2: More new positive signs. The target seems so close. (Happy State of Heart) New signs, a clue, a brilliant idea! (Trust is the State of Mind) Stage 3: Negative signs start showing up. Things start to look messy. (Pessimistic State of Heart) The target starts fading away. Don't know what I should really do. Should I keep on, or let go! (Confusion State of Mind) Stage 4: Even more negative signs. I feel that I don't wanna do it. (Closure State of Heart) No solution, no clues. (Helpless State of Mind) Why did this cycle start? I don't really know. What was the aim? What are You trying to tell me God? I can't get it! Either, I'm too blessed, or too cursed. God, please, guide me to the right direction. You know it's Your satisfaction that I care for. Don't let me down. Please help me!!!

Bitter taste, heavy load. Nowhere to run, no one to lean on. Still living, no choices! Same road, same darkness, same thorns, but I can still see the light! Light is it?! Hope it isn't an illusion! Friends?! I've known a lot. But, people come and go! Alone, I remain in the end. It's the same way every time. Come, fill my life with hope, say goodbye, leave me alone! Love? I remember that feeling, met it once. But, like everything, it had to go! Security? What? What does that mean?! Peace? Where can I find that?? Happiness? What are you talking about? How does that feel? Hope? Yes, maybe one day I die and go to Heaven! Choices? I wish I never had to choose! Confusion, going to the unknown! Fear of the results. Most of the cases, unpleasant, not as desired! Stress? Having to go through things that I really hate... Afraid of hurting people, caring for them, more than I care for myself... And the outcome, like always, I'm the only one hurt, everybody else is just PERFECT!! P...

No, I'm not sorry... Yes, the knight is dead, but it's not me who killed him... The knight is dead, but yet a zombie is there, half dead, half alive... Another zombie, living with the others, drowning there in the mire... Yes, I'm sorry, but for you. No more for me... Gave you my hand but you refused my help... I think I was wrong, you always belonged there, but I couldn't get it... Keep drowning...Take others with you, but not me... Goodbye, farewell dear, you have always been so special to me... And you know, whenever you need me, you will find me there for you... Now, I have to say, I got to go... Got to catch that train, won't wait for you anymore... I have to run, or I'll miss it...And maybe I'll regret that all my lifetime... You will always remain here, in my heart... Will pray for you, maybe you find someone to pull you out, and catch the next train!! Wish you peace... Wish you love... Wish you happiness... Wish you success, now, and ever after... Fa...

On Sunday, January 11, 2009 Broken heart Dead knight Desperate Trapped Evil Satan Sadness Love True Love Real Love Materialistic Pain Bleeding Crying Nightmares Dreams More nightmares Thinking Deep thinking Loop of thoughts Hope Denial Life Happiness No happiness Death!!!

On Sunday, December 21, 2008 "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." "David: I like your life. Sofía: Well, it's mine and you can't have it! " "My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I'm an idiot... who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works... " "What is any life without the pursuit of a dream? " "The little things. There's nothing bigger,is there?" "I want to live a real life... I don't want to dream any longer. " "I wanna wake up!" "Vanilla Sky", a movie that was released in the year 2001. I always wanted to watch that movie, but I got the chance to, only yesterday. The movie tells a story about a man, who wakes up finding the city empty around him, no signs of life...Then he wakes ...

On Monday, November 17, 2008 I'm sorry for me and for you. I'm sorry life has turned to look this way. I'm sorry we are both lost in this world. I'm sorry I wasn't wise enough to let you know how much I love you!! If, I keep going, I will be sorry for tons of things! Till when will I be sorry?! Why can't we work it out?! If we keep searching in vain! Every time I meet someone, I search for YOU inside of him. And every time things don't work, I realize I will never find you in another one!! I know, you are doing the same thing. You are searching for me in every girl you meet. But, I believe, you don't realize this. If you did, you should have realized that you won't find me in someone else! IF you can only realize this! IF you understand we can work this out! IF you see it's so easy to forgive and forget! IF you believe in second chances! IF you believe we can make a new start! IF and ONLY IF you believe in yourself, and believe in me! The WORLD w...

On Monday, October 27, 2008 Different..Special...Uniqu e...One of a Kind...and many other words I hear all the time. Words, used, by most people I get to know, describing me, as they believe!! Lately, after passing through many experiences, I sat down, and thought! What do these words really mean?!! Specially, that people who used these words to describe me, are the same people who let me pass through SPECIAL SHIT in my life! What is it being special or unique? Is it something good, as all people think it is?! Or is it the worst thing that could happen to any person?? Why, if you are SO SPECIAL, why, should you be punished for that?!! Is it being special, the real special thing, that let you pass through special experiences?! Or, do the special experiences, make you special? Does being SPECIAL really exist?? Or, is everyone special in his own way, which will make all of us special in the end??!!!! Many questions I got, flowing in my mind, with no specific answers! Well, before, I mean,...