Mind, Heart & Soul

Fiinally, you are home! And since the moment you entered our home you have been consuming all my time and energy, that it took me almost 3 weeks to write my last letter to you. You know this was intended to reflect our journey before we are home together. I was planning to write a short letter with just a little advice in the end. But, I decided that I will keep writing whatever comes to my mind, like I always did before. Tonight, I looked at you, and I wondered how I ever could live before you entered my life. This was never a life. You give me this special feeling of strength, love, I can feel sweetness in life. Right now you are lying in your bed. I wanted to have some me time, and when I was ready to go to bed I found out it is almost fajr. Ramadan should start in 24 hours, and I have been working so hard for almost a week now, trying to push my coaching business. Working so hard, sometimes with you sitting on my lap when you are too annyoed or nervous to sit on your chair.  Th...

Tiill this very second I haven't got any confirmations that I will receive you next Tuesday. But, I have high hopes that it will work this time, and I won't have to wait anymore. I am not sure why am writing this, but I guess to keep a record of many things I forgot to mention throughout the previous couple of letters for my poor focus and bad memory.  A few days ago you lost one of your earrings, you are too active and probably moving a lot in your bed you lost it. Thought I will keep it as a souvenir. Now I don't know what to do with the other one, should I keep it or leave it to them. To me you look like a visual person. About a month ago you started showing a different attitude. I remember maybe for the first month you were asleep most of the time I visited you. You would let me hold you close to fall asleep, though you used to raise your head because you wanted to watch (though you could bearly see at that time) everyone and everything. Then you were awake all the time...

I thought I won't have time or much to say before you are here. But, I have been trying to reach mrs. Hanan the past few days in vain! This is making me anxious cause I can't plan my days. I am just waiting for her to show up. I should be taking you home tomorrow and I am not sure if this will be the case! You are becoming so cute and lovable. On the first of May, you used your voice for the first time. You were like exploring how it works. The sounds you made were so funny, you were almost meoing like a cat :D. I recorded a couple of videos for you. On that day you smiled to me too for the first time, I think that's the day you turened three months, cause you changed a lot. You always seemed to have a special connection with Mervat, the girl who takes care of you. And, I can't lie, this made me jealous! You never looked at me the same way you look at her. When she used to bring you to me, and leaves, you turned your head searching for her. You never acted the same way ...

Now it is almost 2:30 am and I can't fall asleep, so I decided to write this letter that I have been postponing for a while. I can't even think of a title, maybe I will do by the end of writing. After finishing my 20 sessions of hyperbaric oxygen therapy, I was prescribed 10 more. The research says it should be 40 sessions to help deminish the fibro symptoms. The doctor here doesn't expect more than 30. These should end by the 3rd of May. You should be home by the 10th or something! There are still some symptoms that I suffer from (the others are still there but don't feel as bad as before, I can deal with them), of course it is clear insomnia is one of them, as am still awake and writing now. The other one is a bit scary, happened to me a couple of times before I started the 5-htp medication. Been almost two years and a half I didn't get the temp paralysis when I wake up! It is scary when I wake up and can't move my legs to leave bed, or move my hand to pick up...

How sarcastic, I had to face all this on my first "mother's day". As if fate was telling me, you wanted to be a mother, see how it is like! And I did! I was so tense driving to Maadi. Got inside the clinic with all the reports and looked to the doctor. I waited to hear his opinion without affecting it with any of what I was told. And he went through the reports. He underlined the pfo, he underlined the cysts. But, he said nothing! Just to repeat the ultrasound in three months. He prescribed iron for the anaemia, and that was it! I spent two of the worst days of my life. But, thanks God it is all simple stuff. Now, I understand a lot that my friends have been through. Now am sure that a mother doesn't have to get pregnant to be a mother. Motherhood is not about pregnancy. Many women gave birth to their own kids and were never mothers. It's been a week since then. I think I can talk now about details. Prices are rising madly. The New Zealand thing looks like it will...

I have wanted to write to you so many times. But, I wasn't really in the mood for writing. I was enjoying spending tme with you. I try to visit you on daily basis for an hour or so. The last thing I mentioned was visiting the paediatric in Maadi. We went on the next day, he said that you are perfectly healthy, but to be a 100% sure, has asked for an echo and an abdomin ultrasound, and a blood test for thyroid hormones. Only yesterday we did it. I was a bit busy with my health and I needed some time off, so I spent a few days in sokhna with Mariam and a couple of her friends. The day I was back from my little vacation I was feeling so guilty that I didn't see you that long. The morning I arrived home, I carried my luggage upstairs then went directly to meet you. There, they told me that am not allowed to carry you anymore, and the only thing I can do, is watch you while you are on the couch!! I got really mad, but, I felt helpless too, you spend the time with them and I have to ...

Thursday 18th of February Is it you dear?! And how am I supposed to know!! Maybe this is the quickest post in a very short while. I felt that I need to talk to you. Today, I met that little girl, Aseel. Aseel is one week old, as they clame. She's so little and so pretty. She's the first girl I met. And the only girl I met today. Aunt Mariam made a few calls on Wednesday, and as I told you in my last letter that I was told there is a girl I should meet today. And, that's her. They brought her to me, I held her...how come she's so little! I didn't expect this age. I thought I would meet older girls, whom may interact and show if they like me or not. But, Aseel, how would I know if it's you! I kept looking at her, I knew I didn't feel bad. But, I didn't know how I should feel like to know it's you. I spent there about half an hour, watching her being nursed till she fell asleep. I had a little talk with the manager trying to know more details about her....

I know it has been too long since I have written anything. I wasn't in the mood for righting, and I was too stressed that I become lazy in my free time. But, today, things are gonna change, and I had to write now just to document my current state before it changes! On the 23rd of January 2016 I received a message on whatsapp from Mrs. Hanan informing me that I got the approval. By that time, I started feeling desprate from waiting. It had been too long, much more than they had estimated. I called one before that date, and they said that my papers were just sent to the committee. Thinking that I still have to wait for the first and the second committee added more stress as things were not going as planned. My mom was travelling to the UAE for a month and I wanted to find you before she's back here so we could buy you stuff from there that would be to expenssive here. But, on that day I decided to let go. I decided to enjoy the good weather clean up my room after a sandy storm an...

It is the first day of the new year, 2016. I asked my friends to join me and celerate new year at home since your grandma is in Mekka. Mariam stayed till 3:00 then she left. Reem is sleeping in the other room. And since it is 4:40 am, I decided it is the best time to write to you.  For the past couple of months, I decided to not pray fajr on time, with regard to my sleeping problem I believed it is ok and I will be forgiven. But, I started to feel that things are not moving and that am getting trouble everywhere. That's why I decided to stay up till the prayer time, and go back to my old habit and never miss fajr again. Maybe, that's the reason everything is not going as expected.  This month has been horrible. It felt like as if this year doesn't wanna end before it brings all the bad things anyone could think of! This includes knoing that my best friend is sick, I spent the worst day of my life till I knew the results of her scans and that she has clean lungs with no canc...

Following the advice of everybody, I decided to contact a family consultant to see how I am gonna tell you your true story in the most descent way. Actually, it happened by chance, that guy had added me on facebook last April, it didn't feel well for some reason I don't know...just a feeling, I believe you know by now that I get these gut feelings and they turn out to be true after a while. Anyway, a week ago he sent me an invitation on facebook messenger to his new NLP course. I am busy during the course time, so I apologized politely, then, it started! He started telling me some details about his degrees, and that he's 40 and that he has got a boy and a girl! I am not sure what does the course have to do with this, or what do I have to do with this info, but, it is a typical way when a man has got a crush on you and tries to be nice, you will get used to that! I decided to take the chance when I knew about his degrees, and started chatting with him about my plans with you...

On Sunday the 15th of November 2015, in the early morning, while I was in a taxi driving me to work, I had my car being fixed at this time for the license renewal, back then, I received a call from Mrs. Imane. She said that the visit would be the next Thursday, and I told her I would have to confirm for all the parties to be available. Thanks God I wasn't driving at that moment, I think I would have made an accident of confusion. I spent the next two hours arranging with everyone to make sure that Thursday would work with everybody. And I did it! On Tuesday I went to the garage to receive my car (Barkooka), but, I found it was not ready yet, and some other stuff needed to be done. The next Wednesday, Mrs. Imane called asking me to go drive them from their office to home, I was confused, I said yes, though I didn't have my car to do that! After I hanged up, I realised it. I asked your grandma for support, but, she had other stuff to do... Thursday, I took a taxi and went to the ...

It has been so long I didn't write anything to you. I had a talk with a turkish friend about the adoption of a Syrian refugee from turkish orphanage, and I came to a conclusion that it will be very hard that I have to give up the idea. And, now I have accepted that I will go for Egypt. The System Crashed! Monday, 12th of October 2015 On that day, I decided it is time to go and apply for adoption. But, first I had to get some certificates to have all my papers ready for the application. I went to the police office. I asked for copies of both, my birth certificate and my divorce certificate. The thing should take few minutes, but, for some unknown reason, it took about an hour! The employee there suggested it is because of updates made to the databases for the parliament elections. As a software engineer I know it shouldn't be this way. But, as always, I said nothing. First, I received the copies of the birth certificate. Then, the employee asked me for the name of my ex-husband,...

My girl, take care, sometimes when you are filled with hope you may be delusional. You may see things that don't exist. Your mind will go interpret everything that serves your hopes. Yes, it is good to have hopes and dreams, but it is bad, very bad, to be delusional! Don't ever expect people who let you go will come back again for you. If they thought you are worthless probably this won't change. Be sure that those who care for you will move mountains to be with you. If they don't, then probably they don't care well enough. There are moments when you have to do everything to prove your love and care to people, and when you are sure you have done your part, it should be their turn to do the same. Sometimes it is now or never! Sometimes you could be so weak that you can't wait any longer! If they don't do their part, and if they ignore all your needs, then they never deserved it from the beginning. I wish I could come with you with a fairy tale that pro...

Karma Saturday 28th of February I decided to take that step and make that call. I was planning to start the paper work for your adoption. In that call, I knew it, I can't give you that name! I can only give you a family name. What I felt in that moment was not good. I felt a strange kind of blockage, as if I don't want to do it. No, it is not that I don't want you, I don't want it! I hated that process, before I even start it!! The very first thing that came in my mind was the other option, adopting a Syrian girl. I know it sounds stupid, should I give up on the whole process for just that!! That night was not a good night!! Till, one thing happened, an old story, karma got me my right back, even if it took more than 6 years!! But, yes, that's what happens dear. This day I went to bed with faith. Faith that everything went wrong will turn right, and suddenly all my depression has gone away. I see the world from a different perspective now, I am so excited about m...

My Maria, in the beginning of the day I didn't think I will be writing again by night for you. That one is the quickest :). Today, after a long, first day, at work, I returned home to find that the hard copy of my coaching certificate was delivered from Australia. That was one important step that I needed to get completed before I start in our journey. Seeing that envelope by the door, the first thing my eyes came by was a mark by a cup of tea, that was really annoying, I was too afraid that marked the certificate itself, but, thanks God it was in another internal hard envelope and the certificate is saved. The other thing that caught my eye was the stamp. In my childhood age I used to collect stamps, that is an old hobby from an old time. Nerds like your mama were the ones who had that hobby :). Then what happens is that I open the envelope, and I get a strange mix of feelings. I am not sure why am writing that to you, but, I am planning to be friends one day. One day I will...