Karma
Saturday 28th of February
I decided to take that step and make that call. I was planning to start the paper work for your adoption. In that call, I knew it, I can't give you that name! I can only give you a family name. What I felt in that moment was not good. I felt a strange kind of blockage, as if I don't want to do it. No, it is not that I don't want you, I don't want it! I hated that process, before I even start it!! The very first thing that came in my mind was the other option, adopting a Syrian girl. I know it sounds stupid, should I give up on the whole process for just that!! That night was not a good night!! Till, one thing happened, an old story, karma got me my right back, even if it took more than 6 years!! But, yes, that's what happens dear. This day I went to bed with faith. Faith that everything went wrong will turn right, and suddenly all my depression has gone away. I see the world from a different perspective now, I am so excited about my life and my choices, my goals and dreams. Suddenly, everything looks perfect!!
The Missing Photo in my Vision Board
Sunday, 1st of March
I was supposed to go to work, but my back pain was unbearable, I decided to stay home and do the work from there. But, instead, I spend the whole day thinking. I should make that call and explore the other option. That day I had a mix of feelings, fear and excitement. I was afraid to call our friend Tariq to know more details about adopting a Syrian girl. I don't know why I was afraid. I couldn't do it on that day. With the feelings of excitement that I got the day before, I was talking with my friend about my vision board. And that there was a photo that I didn't attach, because "we" agreed that it will be attached on the right time. What happened next was the unexpected, she advised me to put it there. She encouraged me, I went to bed even more excited!
The Other Call
Monday, 2nd of March
In the morning, I woke up and the first thing I did was finding the photo and attaching it to the board. I look at the board and here's what I feel, I DO miss him so much! For the first time, I feel that it is my right to dream. It had always felt like the forbidden dream, but not anymore. I am happy that I can look at our pic together and not feel the pain I have felt for the past 10 months. I felt happy and excited.
By the middle of the day I decided to contact Tariq on facebook, I wanted to force myself to take the step in a kind way :D !! Anyway, it worked, and we talked two hours later. And, I felt so confused while talking. I asked him not to go in deep details asking about the process, and when he gets back with info, I will make my prayers and ask God for guidance, either to go for Egypt or Syria. What happened later was the most amazing thing, I felt my heart flying to Syria! I felt that's what I wanna do. It fulfills the cause more. But, thinking of how this could happen, it is completely unknown. Should I fly to the Syrian refugees camps to get you?! What a crazy journey! But, maybe, if my dream is really allowed, I won't have to be alone doing it, and you father will be with me in that journey!
Sufism
Thursday, 5th of March
2 weeks ago, I sarted reading "The 40 rules of love". This novel has touched me on all aspects, the funny thing is that I found that I already follow those rules. I have been a Sufi for too long and I didn't even know it! I decided to change my religious views on facebook. Before it was; "Islam, and Buddhism". Now I have changed it to Sufism, and I am happy about it.
Your Stuff
Saturday, 7th of March
I have been watching a number of pages on facebook that sell babies stuff. I am liking lots of these and I wish I can buy them all to you. Then comes the question with the mysterious answer, "what size should I buy?!". Of course, I have no idea, the only problem am thinking about is that I will have to buy everything all at once. I don't think I afford that. This morning I was talking with mom about it, and she suggested that I should keep a monthly saving for your stuff. Sounds like a good idea, and I will start that with the previous couple of months.
My Graduation Ceremony
Monday, 9th of March
Today I was to attend my graduation ceremony. I saved that on my calendar long ago, it should be at 3pm. At 2pm after I did my reading and had my late breakfast, a little voice whispered that it would be at 2pm not 3pm. So, I decided to check online what time was it in NY, and I found that it was already 8:04!! The ceremony already started. I thanked that voice and dialed to attend the ceremony.
I went inside my room to avoid the background noise. While sitting there on my bed I was looking at my vision board. And I felt grateful, he attended the ceremony with me! I wished that to happen, and I think it did in a way or another!
Another sarcastic thought came through my mind while I was in that ceremony. That voice proves everyday that I should believe it, and still I have doubts!! If it weren't for it I would have missed the ceremony! Someones will go for it is just my mind, and I will go for a big fat "NO", I totally forgot about the timezone thing, and how attending the classes was always stressful to me for the daylight savings that change with no news. And seems it happened just today, a couple of colleagues missed the ceremony!
The Medicine Arrived, Finally!
Thursday, 12th of March
I made an online order to get my medicine, like I do every quarter. This order took more than a month. I had the contact of one of the postmen in Egypt Post, and he helped me find the two lost parcels. When he came here, what he told me was just another sign that it is time to leave this country. The parcel was banned in the customs because it had a 3 months dosage! From now on, it should be a one month only! Should I make these orders every month?! Should I pay for shipment every month?! Is there a way they can make us suffer more! And, if you take a look on the parcel, I found a tablet of one of the medications out of its box! Is this the way pharmacists deal with medicine that some patients ordered online?! No matter if you reach or poor, you can't live here. You are not treated as a human! I can't live in this country anymore. I think leaving to the UK should be my next goal, I have no idea how I will collect the money to do it!
Back to Depression!
Friday, 13th of March
Maria, I have been writing this for too long, I didn't feel like writing, and I have no idea why! But, what am sure of is that I got my depression back 2 days ago. It hit really hard that I can't deal with it. All I wish for now is to be buried in a small hole in the ground and no body talks to me! I look at his face on the vision board and I feel mad. I miss him and I need him so much, but, what can I do to end all this suffering. It is his call in the end. He is the one who decided I am worthless!
I am still reading "The 40 rules of love". It helped me get a bit better. So, I decided that it is enough for this post and I should publish it. I am sorry it took me so long dear to write. Till this moment, I didn't get an answer from Tariq. I know nothing about how we will get together. I feel lost and bored and sick and tired. I wish I was healthy, not sick with depression or fibromyalgia to give you a happier life. I am sorry my dear.
Saturday 28th of February
I decided to take that step and make that call. I was planning to start the paper work for your adoption. In that call, I knew it, I can't give you that name! I can only give you a family name. What I felt in that moment was not good. I felt a strange kind of blockage, as if I don't want to do it. No, it is not that I don't want you, I don't want it! I hated that process, before I even start it!! The very first thing that came in my mind was the other option, adopting a Syrian girl. I know it sounds stupid, should I give up on the whole process for just that!! That night was not a good night!! Till, one thing happened, an old story, karma got me my right back, even if it took more than 6 years!! But, yes, that's what happens dear. This day I went to bed with faith. Faith that everything went wrong will turn right, and suddenly all my depression has gone away. I see the world from a different perspective now, I am so excited about my life and my choices, my goals and dreams. Suddenly, everything looks perfect!!
The Missing Photo in my Vision Board
Sunday, 1st of March
I was supposed to go to work, but my back pain was unbearable, I decided to stay home and do the work from there. But, instead, I spend the whole day thinking. I should make that call and explore the other option. That day I had a mix of feelings, fear and excitement. I was afraid to call our friend Tariq to know more details about adopting a Syrian girl. I don't know why I was afraid. I couldn't do it on that day. With the feelings of excitement that I got the day before, I was talking with my friend about my vision board. And that there was a photo that I didn't attach, because "we" agreed that it will be attached on the right time. What happened next was the unexpected, she advised me to put it there. She encouraged me, I went to bed even more excited!
The Other Call
Monday, 2nd of March
In the morning, I woke up and the first thing I did was finding the photo and attaching it to the board. I look at the board and here's what I feel, I DO miss him so much! For the first time, I feel that it is my right to dream. It had always felt like the forbidden dream, but not anymore. I am happy that I can look at our pic together and not feel the pain I have felt for the past 10 months. I felt happy and excited.
By the middle of the day I decided to contact Tariq on facebook, I wanted to force myself to take the step in a kind way :D !! Anyway, it worked, and we talked two hours later. And, I felt so confused while talking. I asked him not to go in deep details asking about the process, and when he gets back with info, I will make my prayers and ask God for guidance, either to go for Egypt or Syria. What happened later was the most amazing thing, I felt my heart flying to Syria! I felt that's what I wanna do. It fulfills the cause more. But, thinking of how this could happen, it is completely unknown. Should I fly to the Syrian refugees camps to get you?! What a crazy journey! But, maybe, if my dream is really allowed, I won't have to be alone doing it, and you father will be with me in that journey!
Sufism
Thursday, 5th of March
2 weeks ago, I sarted reading "The 40 rules of love". This novel has touched me on all aspects, the funny thing is that I found that I already follow those rules. I have been a Sufi for too long and I didn't even know it! I decided to change my religious views on facebook. Before it was; "Islam, and Buddhism". Now I have changed it to Sufism, and I am happy about it.
Your Stuff
Saturday, 7th of March
I have been watching a number of pages on facebook that sell babies stuff. I am liking lots of these and I wish I can buy them all to you. Then comes the question with the mysterious answer, "what size should I buy?!". Of course, I have no idea, the only problem am thinking about is that I will have to buy everything all at once. I don't think I afford that. This morning I was talking with mom about it, and she suggested that I should keep a monthly saving for your stuff. Sounds like a good idea, and I will start that with the previous couple of months.
My Graduation Ceremony
Monday, 9th of March
Today I was to attend my graduation ceremony. I saved that on my calendar long ago, it should be at 3pm. At 2pm after I did my reading and had my late breakfast, a little voice whispered that it would be at 2pm not 3pm. So, I decided to check online what time was it in NY, and I found that it was already 8:04!! The ceremony already started. I thanked that voice and dialed to attend the ceremony.
I went inside my room to avoid the background noise. While sitting there on my bed I was looking at my vision board. And I felt grateful, he attended the ceremony with me! I wished that to happen, and I think it did in a way or another!
Another sarcastic thought came through my mind while I was in that ceremony. That voice proves everyday that I should believe it, and still I have doubts!! If it weren't for it I would have missed the ceremony! Someones will go for it is just my mind, and I will go for a big fat "NO", I totally forgot about the timezone thing, and how attending the classes was always stressful to me for the daylight savings that change with no news. And seems it happened just today, a couple of colleagues missed the ceremony!
The Medicine Arrived, Finally!
Thursday, 12th of March
I made an online order to get my medicine, like I do every quarter. This order took more than a month. I had the contact of one of the postmen in Egypt Post, and he helped me find the two lost parcels. When he came here, what he told me was just another sign that it is time to leave this country. The parcel was banned in the customs because it had a 3 months dosage! From now on, it should be a one month only! Should I make these orders every month?! Should I pay for shipment every month?! Is there a way they can make us suffer more! And, if you take a look on the parcel, I found a tablet of one of the medications out of its box! Is this the way pharmacists deal with medicine that some patients ordered online?! No matter if you reach or poor, you can't live here. You are not treated as a human! I can't live in this country anymore. I think leaving to the UK should be my next goal, I have no idea how I will collect the money to do it!
Back to Depression!
Friday, 13th of March
Maria, I have been writing this for too long, I didn't feel like writing, and I have no idea why! But, what am sure of is that I got my depression back 2 days ago. It hit really hard that I can't deal with it. All I wish for now is to be buried in a small hole in the ground and no body talks to me! I look at his face on the vision board and I feel mad. I miss him and I need him so much, but, what can I do to end all this suffering. It is his call in the end. He is the one who decided I am worthless!
I am still reading "The 40 rules of love". It helped me get a bit better. So, I decided that it is enough for this post and I should publish it. I am sorry it took me so long dear to write. Till this moment, I didn't get an answer from Tariq. I know nothing about how we will get together. I feel lost and bored and sick and tired. I wish I was healthy, not sick with depression or fibromyalgia to give you a happier life. I am sorry my dear.
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