Love Letter II

Marshall Eriksen: I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much. 

Ted Mosby: I know. 

Marshall Eriksen: When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...

Quoting "How I met your mother", I have been watching this series lately, and it has been striking lots of chords. This is one of them. I may regret this post one day. But, I have been holding lots of emotions into my heart for sometime now, and it has become so heavey, that I wanna explode!

One day you asked me to write you a love letter, and I did. In the end of that letter, I made a promise that I will never let you go, and that we will be together, only if you let me. But, you ranaway! I couldn't force you for something that you don't want. I am not that kind of a woman who would blackmail her man to keep him by her side, even if I'm dying for you! 

It is almost a month now since your father passed away. I had things looking stable before I heard the news. I thought that I can move on. I thought that am not that much in love with you. But, then, one piece of news, and I am devastated! I felt totally lost and confused. I felt helpless. I can't be by your side. You said you don't want me be a part of your life anymore. You said that my role was over. But, how can I know you are going through this and not be there for you! I am not even allowed to mourn the father that I wished to have after I lost mine. I know how much you love him, and you made me love him too. Maybe you don't know that, cause I never talked about it. But, yes, I have always wanted to meet him. I made a promise to myself that I will love him and I will make him love me back. I know you think this is crazy, but there were a lot that I never told you about, cause I didn't wanna push so hard! 

That night, our friend called, she sounded so serious, and from her voice I knew it is about you. My heart fell in my knees hearing what she said. First, I acted normally, as if it is anyone else's father. Half an hour later, I started to realise it. Everyone said that I should call you and give you condolences. I was lost and confused. I was crying like hell. I was sure not gonna do it. I didn't want to appear as if I am using the situation to get back together. I called her back, I was crying on the phone, and suddenly I asked her to tell her husband I am sending you my condolences, and guess what, while I was saying that, you called him, I could hear your voice on the other side! My heart was breaking! And he delivered the message!

I went to bed, and I prayed for you, I know how hard it is spending the first night after they are gone. You are still there over the earth and they are under. I prayed for him too. I couldn't sleep. And I spent a horrible week feeling lost and helpless. I know that you show you are ok, but I am sure you are not, even if you don't know that yourself. I know how it is like, and I know how it will be like for you. 

I am not sure why I am writing this. Maybe I just wanted to release those feelings so I can get back to my normal disgusting life. Maybe to tell you that I wished I could support you though you did every single thing to hurt me. You killed me a thousand times through out the past year and half. But, still, I love you! Seems that I will never get over you! I wish I was there to help you through, I wish you could just put your head on my shoulder and cry. I know though everyone thinks you are ok, I know you are not. Please, take care of yourself. I love you!

P.S. please, don't make me regret writing that letter, thanks!