Waiting...

It is the first day of the new year, 2016. I asked my friends to join me and celerate new year at home since your grandma is in Mekka. Mariam stayed till 3:00 then she left. Reem is sleeping in the other room. And since it is 4:40 am, I decided it is the best time to write to you. 

For the past couple of months, I decided to not pray fajr on time, with regard to my sleeping problem I believed it is ok and I will be forgiven. But, I started to feel that things are not moving and that am getting trouble everywhere. That's why I decided to stay up till the prayer time, and go back to my old habit and never miss fajr again. Maybe, that's the reason everything is not going as expected. 

This month has been horrible. It felt like as if this year doesn't wanna end before it brings all the bad things anyone could think of! This includes knoing that my best friend is sick, I spent the worst day of my life till I knew the results of her scans and that she has clean lungs with no cancer! My other friend's father has passed away a couple of days ago, she's in Aswan and I have no way of supporrting her, again I feel helpless! Actually, I had a lot of stuff to tell but I didn't really feel like writing. Will try to summarise what happened the past 3 weeks...

The False Ring...

Saturday, 19th of December

On that day we had the annual party by the company I work for. It is my first time to attend it. Mariam cared much about that one so I decided to care for it too, a kind of support maybe, though you know I barely care about anything! Well, we met a few ones whom we work with closely, we spent some good time. But, I got to meet people that I never had to deal with too. It was a huge gathering, about 400 employees in one place. And for my pretty luck, 99% of these are men! on that day they introduced me to a collegue whom I heard of a couple of times, and from he eye contact he made I could feel that pretty soon he will try to get closer. You know the resistance is taking much of my energy, and I felt so threatened, though he is a good man as mentioned by everyone! When I was home, using my keys to unlock the door, I got the craziest idea, I decided to buy a false wedding ring, to drive away any man who tries to get closer. I didn't do it yet, but, probably I will. Of course, no one liked the idea. But, when did I ever care about others opinions!

Ka Hatain

Sunday, 20th of December

That night a girl I met some years ago invited me to like a page for orphans. The page is trying to change the culture of the soceiety since orphans normally pay a lot. I told her about my plans, and she told me she will find in her collegues if any could help.

Menopause?!

Saturday, 26th of December

This month my period was late 5 days, for unknown reasons! It is not a common thing. This only happens with much amount of stress. So, asking around, I started to see it could be a posibility that I am approaching menopause! Yes, I should be too young for that, but there is a family history! Thinking of this idea is the scariest thing ever. I know I decided I won't get married and of course I won't have my own kids. But, having decided that is something, and being forced to is much different. It made me feel that the last part living in me is dying! I kept my fears and tears, till my dear soul twin could feel I wasn't ok. When I talked with him I told him about my fears, he did his best to make it feel better but actually, right now while am writing to you, I can't stop my tears. All my hopes are dying..I decided to visit my doctor again for a checkup, maybe it is something else. It could be the adrenal fatigue, too. That took me a couple of days to realise. So, I have to check the reki master maybe she could heal my energy and get done with this fatigue. I don't seem to ever feel better about this, no matter how I try to accept the idea. I stopped hoping and wishing or dreaming, 19 months ago I decided to give up anyting that would make my heart cling to this world. I don't know how with my plans for you. Maybe I don't want to wish for anything out of my control. I remembered now what my doctor told me a year ago. He said that I am healthy and I can have kids right away if I wanted. But, when he knew I had no near plans for marriage he suggested putting some of my eggs a bank for later. Then I didn't like the idea, but, now, it feels like my only hope...if I got any!!

More waiting

Tuesday, 29th of December

I called mrs. Imane that morning, and she told me that my file was only delivered to the committee a week ago, this is taking longer than I expected. That is one reason I thought that things are not working so well and that I should go back to fajr prayers. 

Ashraf has no end!

Wednesday, 30th December

Ashraf, one of the guys. The only word I can use for them is really bad and I don't wanna mention it. Ashraf like every man I met has a unique interesting story. I met him more than two years ago, it was a blind date. He is a widower and he has 3 kids, the case with my broken heart seemed like a good place for me to hide. We kept dating for about 3 months, and then the mess started when I knew he was seeing another woman with me! I was happy to end it cause I wanted to be with the man I love. And yes, just after it was over we got back together. He tried to contact me 2 months later, but my love told me to ignore him, I didn't hear from him since then. Till last September...Unexpectedly I received a message from him on whatsapp, saying nonsense. I could see he was trying to open a channel to talk again, we played hide and seek for a month. Then he told me he's already married! I told him that I don't want any trouble and ended that connection. 3 weeks ago when that other guy was chasing me, I accidently found that Ashraf has blocked me already on whatsapp. As if I am the one who is trying to ruin his peace! I thought he was so over, but, last Wednesday, in the early morning, I was making a cup of tea when I found a missed call from him! Of course I was too angry. The only reason this man is trying to make a connection is that he wants another wife, or a mistress!! And I don't know what I do exactly to show that I accept this shit! Why do men see me so cheap and don't mind playing those dirty games with me! I know if he hadn't insulted me with his actions I could get weak for him. He's a handsome intelligent man, something that you rarely find. But, he doesn't know how to respect a woman! The funny thing about Ashraf is that he's linked someway to the man I love. When he contacted me in September I knew I would hear something about him and it happened, his father has died, and I wasn't near him and that killed me! Now, I feel that I miss him like crazy, I miss his laugh that lightened up my world. I miss the talking that never stopped. I miss the way he cared for me. I miss the warmth he added to my life. When the clock ticked 12 this night, I rememberd the message that he sent me one new year, and it was the best message I ever received, just because he is the one who sent it! So, I miss my love and Ashraf calls! I blocked him on whatsapp and on truecaller. He had the guts to call me again the same day at 4 or something. He calls when he is not home. He is afraid of his wife. And I hate that game, I had enough of it!

The azan is raised and I already prayed. It is the new year but I make no wishes, I am afraid of wishing. I won't wish this time go faster so you be with me or that my love comes back and we live happily ever after. No more wishes, just a peaceful life till I die...Happy new year my lovely girl.