And we met!

Thursday 18th of February

Is it you dear?!

And how am I supposed to know!! Maybe this is the quickest post in a very short while. I felt that I need to talk to you. Today, I met that little girl, Aseel. Aseel is one week old, as they clame. She's so little and so pretty. She's the first girl I met. And the only girl I met today. Aunt Mariam made a few calls on Wednesday, and as I told you in my last letter that I was told there is a girl I should meet today. And, that's her. They brought her to me, I held her...how come she's so little! I didn't expect this age. I thought I would meet older girls, whom may interact and show if they like me or not. But, Aseel, how would I know if it's you! I kept looking at her, I knew I didn't feel bad. But, I didn't know how I should feel like to know it's you. I spent there about half an hour, watching her being nursed till she fell asleep. I had a little talk with the manager trying to know more details about her. But, she didn't know much to help. I had to meet the nurse to know everything. And that had to be another day as she was busy. I felt helpless, as I didn't know how to decide. Mom suggested that I check other orphenages to give myself more options for thinking, I went to resala, and they didn't have any girls. Only boys, the youngest was two and half years. I went to another place, but they didn't support the social affairs project of adoption. 

My mom went out with her friends, and I didn't want to join. I was feeling anxious and stressed, I didn't want to meet anybody. I wanted to be left alone! I went home, I called my friends, Ameera, Mariam, Teleb...They were so supportive. They started thinking with me and asking me questions to make things clearer. After all those calls, I was feeling so overwhelemed, and tired, I wanted to sleep. I prayed, I asked God for guidance. I went to bed but I couldn't fall asleep. After an hour or so, I left my room, and in this moment I remembered my favourite friend for these times, a tablet of calmipam to calm that anxiety so I can sort my thoughts and decide. After a little while my head became clearer. And I could understand what kind of thoughts I had. Just thoughts of fears, worries, any nonsense you could think of! Only one question brought all the answers, isn't that exactly what I wanted! Why can't I make up my mind then?! Yes, if I ever married any of the guys I knew, if I had a baby with any of them it wouldn't be as perfect as Aseel is, as YOU are! Yes, it is you, but I was too afraid to admit it! I was afraid of the unknown. Still I am afraid after one week of that day. But, one thing I learned through the past years, if it is just fear, then do it! Fear should never be the reason to stop. Aseel, you are perfect, you are pretty, you are even an aquarius/goat just like me! And that's a wish I had so you be a strong independant woman! 

The next day, aunt Mariam wanted to meet you, so she came with me and we visited your temp home. Then we met the nurse, and she said that you are about a month old. Yes, you didn't look like a week old, but you are not a month either for sure, you are too small for a month! I am trying to calculate it. If you are a month old, then you were born exactly te same day I got the approval! But, you are probably younger than that. Maybe you were born the same day as mine! Your eyes look a bit strange to me, but, I think they are just big eyes! Aunt mariam says Nana had so big eyes when she was born too. She took your first photo, but I won't attach it here. I don't wanna that go public, but, I will print it out in the book. Yes, I never told you that I decided to print those letters in a book. Probably that's the one you are reading from now. I had a doubtful thought that maybe when you are old enough to read this blog there won't be internet at all :D !!

I am facing a problem matching all my previous thoughts with your figure now. One of those things is that I find it hard to call you Aseel, though I love the name. If I am able to name you Maria in the birth certificate I will, if not, you are the one to choose which name you like the most. Since you are one month old, I can't have you home till you are three months, I have to months left. Do you have any idea how you changed my view for life in just one week! 

Saturday, by the afternoon, I felt that I wanna see you, I started to miss you in just two days! I visit you almost everyday. The day I can't make it I feel guilty, and I feel that I miss you! I fell in love so quickly Maria (Aseel). 

Tuesday 23rd of February

Vegiterian!

The next Sunday, I went to work, with the new life perspective, I decided to try the hyperbaric therapy for my fibromyalgia. I called the clinic, and the doctor answered by himself. The next day I visited the clinic and he was really helpful, a great listener we talked for about an hour, he viewed my blood tests and everything. He told me that I need a month of oxygen therapy, 6 days a week, that needs a vacation from work, I have to deliver one project before I do that. But, he told me I have to change my diet for good. He transfered me to a nutritionist and an endocrinologist.

Tuesday I went to the nutritionist, and she said that my blood pH is acidic and that's what's causing me all my problems. I need to become a vegeterian to have an alcline blood pH. I am a meet lover, and that is so hard to do. But, I wanna be healthy to enjoy life with you, to be able to support you like any mom supports her little girl. I will do it. I am workig on myself psychologically right now to do it. I need some time to buy all the stuff she asked for my alkline program.

Now, you know why we eat this way!

We payed you a visit on that day, and I tried to feed you but you were too sleepy to eat, like always! I was disappointed as it was my first time ever. But, there are many times to come. You enjoyed the way I rubbed your back, and that was perfect way for you to sleep!

Thursday, I visited you on my own, I spent two hours with you. And this time I made it, I fed you, and I held you till you fell asleep. I think you already got used to my heartbeat.

Saturday 27th of February

You are my antidepressant!

On Friday, I had a hard fibro flare, I could barely walk that day. I couldn't visit you and that didn't leave me feeling well. And though, my family wanted to enjoy the good weather so we went to spend some time in Maadi by the Nile. And for some reason I remembered him. And all I could feel was that I has been wronged and I didn't deserve that. I felt depressed though I didn't feel this way for too long. That night I went to bed and all am doing is just asking God for support. I had a dream I was fighting, at work, somebody took my desk because I didn't go for sometime!

Today I had some silly stuff to do, added to my depression, I just felt helpless and that I will blow up any moment. But, the time came for your visit. For the first day after a week I can see you awake! In that very moment I forgot about my depression, and everything bad. I kept kissing you, like I did for a 100 times! And like you always do, you fell asleep when I was holding you.Today you grabbed my finger so hard for the first time. I spent only half an hour with you but it was perfect. I was happy again!

Tomorrow we should go to Maadi for your checkup. Aunt Ameera is helping me with that. Tomorrow is her birthday too, but I don't know how to celebrate this with all the mess! Specially that she's so tired too with the fibro and the crasy weather. I had fears that you won't be ok. But, I decided to trust God. I know your health will be perfect, the same way you are perfect, and as perfect as the timing you came into my life. I love you sweetest girl :*.