Please, be well!

I have wanted to write to you so many times. But, I wasn't really in the mood for writing. I was enjoying spending tme with you. I try to visit you on daily basis for an hour or so. The last thing I mentioned was visiting the paediatric in Maadi. We went on the next day, he said that you are perfectly healthy, but to be a 100% sure, has asked for an echo and an abdomin ultrasound, and a blood test for thyroid hormones. Only yesterday we did it. I was a bit busy with my health and I needed some time off, so I spent a few days in sokhna with Mariam and a couple of her friends. The day I was back from my little vacation I was feeling so guilty that I didn't see you that long. The morning I arrived home, I carried my luggage upstairs then went directly to meet you. There, they told me that am not allowed to carry you anymore, and the only thing I can do, is watch you while you are on the couch!! I got really mad, but, I felt helpless too, you spend the time with them and I have to follow their heartless rules! They say that this was the advice of the doctor cause you cry a lot at night. I felt like crying and I left early. The next day they asked if I was sad for what they said. And I made it clear that I was, and that you have been crying by night ever since I met you. Anyway, I feel sorry, and I regret that it took me so long to do the investigations. Yesterday, I took you with Nagah to Cleopatra hospital, to do the echo, the ultrasound and the blood test. I had already bought you earrings cause I was planning to pearce your ears that day. 

We got the echo and the ultrasound reports directly, we had to wait for today for the blood test results. The ultrasound says you have cysts in the pelvic area. I hate this word, cause it reminds me of my father's cancer. But, since it is said it is filled with fluids and it is common in babies, I didn't feel bad. I took a photo of the report and sent it to Ameera, her friend replied later that you need to do an MRI, and that you have to be completely anesthetized, just to make sure it is just a cyst not a tumor! Learning that was enough to raise my blood pressure. I could feel the headache instantly. All I could think of is that it is just too late to give up on you. And, if it is a tumor, I don't know what to do! I took a bath, had a medium pizza, watched "weekend at Bernies'" till mom was home and she measured my blood pressure, it was really high, I took a calmipam so it gets back to normal and I could go to bed. What is really sure, is that when am not feeling well, I break all my health rules. I have been a vegetarian for about 2 weeks, and I was starting to feel healthy already, feeling the depression and fear that you could be sick, I couldn't take it!

Today, I was supposed to wake up early to deliver more papers to the social affairs, to move on with the adoption. I couldn't wake up, I was so tired, I am not sure if it was the calmipam or a fibro flare. Later, I went again to Cleopatra, to have an x-ray on my knees and foot, I am planning to get an injection to fix my bad knees and I was asked for an x-ray. Then I went to the lab to get your blood test results. Your thyroid is fine but not your CBC. You have anaemia! Anoher piece of bad news!

I took the results then went to see you. I had left the echo and ultrasound results with Nagah, so the doctor there can check it. And so comes the last piece of bad news, you have a tiny pfo! I felt that I am already dead, and if they try to beat me I can't feel anything anymore! I don't understand, the doctor who made your echo said you are perfectly healthy! 

An hour ago I checked online and as I understand it is normal. But, I can't be sure of anything. Tomorrow morning I will go back to the paediatric in Maadi and know his opinion about these results. I feel he's trustable.

Today, I looked at you, and I knew I can't give up on you. You are already mine. But, I don't know why do I have to go through this! Am I cursed! Do I have to feel pain no matter where I go or what I do. I can feel the pain in my heart ever since yesterday. I hope tomorrow this pain may go after I meet the doctor.

I wish I could write you more details about the past period. But, am too overwhelmed with my thoughts and pain. All I care for now is to know that you are healthy. Or that stuff you have is temporary and it will go soon. Please, be well. You are my everything. You are the reason I keep up with this life that I hate. I love you my dear :*