Puzzles...

How sarcastic, I had to face all this on my first "mother's day". As if fate was telling me, you wanted to be a mother, see how it is like! And I did! I was so tense driving to Maadi. Got inside the clinic with all the reports and looked to the doctor. I waited to hear his opinion without affecting it with any of what I was told. And he went through the reports. He underlined the pfo, he underlined the cysts. But, he said nothing! Just to repeat the ultrasound in three months. He prescribed iron for the anaemia, and that was it! I spent two of the worst days of my life. But, thanks God it is all simple stuff. Now, I understand a lot that my friends have been through. Now am sure that a mother doesn't have to get pregnant to be a mother. Motherhood is not about pregnancy. Many women gave birth to their own kids and were never mothers.

It's been a week since then. I think I can talk now about details. Prices are rising madly. The New Zealand thing looks like it will take longer than we wished. Maybe a couple of years if we wanna travel as entrepreneurs. But, if things keep getting worse, I think maybe I will apply for a job there. Starting with a job there, am not sure if I will be able to start a business with it. I have no knowledge about the laws there, or how this could be applicable from a practical point of view. Will I be able if I have to be on my own taking care of you with no support at all?! 

There are explosions and casualities everywhere in the world now, Brussles, then Lahore. A man was stabbed in Glasgow. No place seems safe. That's what making New Zealand so tempting. After deciding that it will take long, I decided I should proceed buying the apartment. But, again whatever is happening with the prices, and I am not sure if I can keep my job to pay for installments. Life doesn't look safe and I don't know what to do.

I have been working on that for a few days now. I don't kow what happened to me, why I don't feel like reading or writing anymore?! 

I am depressed these days. I think it is because of the weather change, the stresses am going through, and the medication dosage that I tried to decrease lately. I started the hyperbaric oxygen therapy. The first session I suffered so much from my ear pain, that I couldn't control my tears! I don't like to appear weak, people had to watch me crying out of pain and they couldn't do anything to help. I don't like to put people in that situation. Maybe am too sensetive. I don't know what am writing now, after I wrote those few lines, I feel stupid! Anyway, I have had 4 sessions till now out of 20 as prescribed by the doctor. I go there daily, 6 days a week. I finish the session then go to your current home to see you. There's something strange about those sessions. First, I found them boring, and painful. There's a woman who goes there with her little boy who is almost blind, they come from Kafr el Sheikh or something. And a diabetic man who's about 65. First, I found it so boring, a bit disgusting, coz the boy has to pee in that submarine like room. I find myself stuck with these people, together with the crazy 17 year old nurse. I thought I could kill the time reading. But, I find it very hard to focus. They want to listen to music during the two hours. The place already feels like prison and by the middle of the session I feel that I wanna remove that mask, cut the tubes and run! Yesterday was my fourth session. And, somehow I felt that I was having a good time. Maybe cause I started to get used to my mates. It makes me wonder. Isn't this what happens whenever I start something new? The whole thing looks like a small model of life. What am sure of is that I suffer of my ear pain. My body is suffering, and I am paying the price of trusting someone so much, loving him so much, that his love made me sick. Then he decided that am useless and that he should go on with his life without me! The lesson is, never trust anyone. Don't believe their promises. Don't rely on their love for you. Expect anything from anyone so be prepared! No matter how you love someone so much, love yourself more. Don't allow them to take control over your life. Be independent, if you wanna love, take control.

In that period before I met you, and during the first days. I have been reading crazy signs, that could mean am getting married soon! First, I used o feel a ring in my finger. That feeling I used to have before I got married. Second, was on the day I was searching for apartment, the search that I didn't continue! That day the strangest thing happened. Me and aunt  Mariam went to city stars to buy a gift for a friend. Passing by Massimo Dutti, we found a nice bag that he could like. That was the first time ever I enter that shop. I have always thought that it is not for people like me, and that it is so expensive. Entering the shop I could glimpse a nice dress, off-white. I couldn't resist but check it out. For my surprise it was so cheap, started searching for my size, I couldn't find it as am so fat now! But, I thought I could try a smaller one. I tried it and it looks perfect on me! I bought it! The funny thing is the only chance I could wear it is my wedding! I think I bought a wedding dress for an unknown partner! The same thing happened when I bought my engagement dress long ago! The third sign is the man that suddenly started showing in my dreams, though it has been so long I didn't see him! I think the first time was right after I met you. I don't see his face, I don't know who he is, but, in my dreams I know we have some entimate relationship together. In one of those dreams, I was walking in some place like Gouna, by a marine or something. It was dark, but like new years eve. People were celebrating, but it was summer. I ran into him, I couldn't see his face. In the dream he was Nehad's brother, you know she only has two sisters! He suddenly hugged me so tight, that I could still feel his hug when I woke up! The only thing I could see from him was his curly blonde hair! He was tall with a perfect body. Thinking about all that, I thought maybe we would move to New Zealand, and I may find the one there, maybe he has been waiting for me there, a new zealander :D!! I had a belief long ago that I need a european to marry, now am starting to believe this is the only thing that will work for me! Maybe moving to New Zealand will take longer than I expected. Maybe it doesn't and things change soon. I don't care for all that! All I care is having you home dear. 

With my depression these days I don't feel that I can enjoy my stay with you, and this doesn't feel good. I feel it more as an obligation! I know I shouldn't be writing this. I am not sure while you are reading this if I am still suffering of depression or not. But, don't take it personally. When I am depressed, I am not interested in my life at all. It is all about my crazy feelings. You know, you don't look in the mood either. For the last 3 times you look nervous, maybe it is your medicine. But, I feel helpless coz I have to follow their rules in the end!

This letter is not consistent. And I think I should stop writing now. I just wanted to document things before I forget the details. You should be home by the 7th of May. I need to focus to get you all the stuff you need. Should go look for beds on Tuesday. I think am running out of time, and money :D!! 

Can't wait to have you home dear. Love you :*