Routine...

Now it is almost 2:30 am and I can't fall asleep, so I decided to write this letter that I have been postponing for a while. I can't even think of a title, maybe I will do by the end of writing.

After finishing my 20 sessions of hyperbaric oxygen therapy, I was prescribed 10 more. The research says it should be 40 sessions to help deminish the fibro symptoms. The doctor here doesn't expect more than 30. These should end by the 3rd of May. You should be home by the 10th or something! There are still some symptoms that I suffer from (the others are still there but don't feel as bad as before, I can deal with them), of course it is clear insomnia is one of them, as am still awake and writing now. The other one is a bit scary, happened to me a couple of times before I started the 5-htp medication. Been almost two years and a half I didn't get the temp paralysis when I wake up! It is scary when I wake up and can't move my legs to leave bed, or move my hand to pick up my phone. I am not sure if this therapy will end those symptoms. Now that I stopped all the medications, I need this therapy to fix at least the insomina, it was the thing that made me decide on all that. I am tired. I can't tell you how boring these sessions are, and how they turned my life upside down! I didn't go to work for a month now, I am working from home but stll God knows how long they will remain patient. I can't lose that job now, coz that's what I depend on to take care of you.

The only good thing about those sessions is that I can walk to you every day. I finish by 4:50 and I am at your temp home by 5:00. It is only 10 minutes walking. I spend with you about an hour and a half daily. I only skip Fridays, and these I actually spend doing more stuff for you. You have no idea how it feels bad that I can't see you. Last week we bought your bed on Thursday, we (me and your grandma) installed it on Friday. Now (a week later), I have your bed beside mine, and I keep imagining you lying there. Can't wait to have you home my only love. Last Thursday we went to buy your mattress. I washed all your clothes, ironed them and put them in your drawer. Last Saturday I went to Mariam to pick up some of the clothes she had for her girls when they were young. These are in two big plastic bags. They need to be washed and ironed too. Till now am too tired to do that with all my sleeping disorder. We have had workers in our house for a few days. First they were fixing the ACs, now they will paint your grandma's room! We got a lot to do before you are home, your energy have changed lots of things in my world.

You are the best part in my day. I can't wait to see you and hug you. I can't get enough kisses. You grew up, you are so cute now. It seems you have this special character. And you are pretty too. You seem to be taller than babies your age. I try to take photos for you almost everyday. But the best ones are taken when I have your grandma with me, as it is very hard to hold you with one hand and take the photo with the other. On the 11th of April I decided to upload our first selfie together on facebook. You look so cute in this photo, and I felt that I can't hide you anymore! I wanted everyone to meet you. The photo got lots of likes, and people started congratulating me. It is interesting how some people may be supportive and how some will never understand our relationship together!

I am getting to know you more. And I am amost used to your habits. One day you were crying, I think you wanted to sleep, I wanted to sing to you but I couldn't! It felt as if my voice couldn't cross my larynx! I believe there is a lot about me that changed the past couple of years. I never imagined that I won't be able to sing to my baby! It has been some time I can't listen to any songs, or even music! Last Saturday, on my way to visit Mariam to pick up your stuff, I turned on the radio, it was Halim's half hour  on the music channel, I forced myself to listen, and I forced myself to sing with him. I knew all the lyrics by heart, but, I couldn't feel any! I sang, but heartlessly! You know I need to do everything with my heart, and that seems impossible now. I wish this ends soon. You deserve more my dear. I am planning to visit my gynecologist after you are home. I bought the medicine for breastfeeding and the pamphlet says I need a checkup before taking it.

I don't think I have more to say today. As you see routine is the best word to describe this phase. Maybe it is good to tell you what's going on in the country. Today was the Sinai day, and some ppl where in the streets upset after Sisi left Tiran and Sanafeer island to Saudia. I don't have much to say about things happening here. I have turned to denial. I believe the lives lost are much more valuable than the land. And the culture here doesn't understand this yet! I even had a little discussion with Con my long ago manager who has my same beliefes but he couldn't undertand how people here have this percpective. Sometimes it feels that I already left Egypt with all this denial! I feel trying to change anything now is stupid, I hope am wrong.

I think I found a title for this post "routine". And, I believe this maybe the last thing I write before you are home. I have already decided that my last letter will be when you are home with me. I wish I can write that on the first day, but, maybe I won't be able to.

My ipad battery is dying and I need to go now. I will continue reading for Youssef Zidan till I fall asleep.

love you sweetest girl :*