Fiinally, you are home! And since the moment you entered our home you have been consuming all my time and energy, that it took me almost 3 weeks to write my last letter to you. You know this was intended to reflect our journey before we are home together. I was planning to write a short letter with just a little advice in the end. But, I decided that I will keep writing whatever comes to my mind, like I always did before.
Tonight, I looked at you, and I wondered how I ever could live before you entered my life. This was never a life. You give me this special feeling of strength, love, I can feel sweetness in life. Right now you are lying in your bed. I wanted to have some me time, and when I was ready to go to bed I found out it is almost fajr. Ramadan should start in 24 hours, and I have been working so hard for almost a week now, trying to push my coaching business. Working so hard, sometimes with you sitting on my lap when you are too annyoed or nervous to sit on your chair.
The first week was really hard, I remember after one of our long nights, when it was almost 10 in the morning, I couldn't even pat you to stop crying, I carried you to grandma so I can sleep a couple of hours. You were confused for changing your place. After that, a couple of days I took you to a pediatrician, he said that you are doing fine, and you were took the first dose of rotavirus vaccine. And here a low phase starts again! He said you won't feel anything, but what happened is that you spent 3 restless nights! On the first night we didn't know it is the vaccine, so at fajr I searched for the side effects, and I found one of them that was scary. Some blockage in the intestine, and that I would know if I see some red gelatine substance in your nappie. After you finally fell asleep I went to bed too and had my first nightmare. I have found that gelatine substance, and I wanted to go and tell my mother, but I didn't have a voice from the shock and couldn't say anything. The next hours were horrible as I was waitig for your poop to make sure you are safe. And that made me know that my greatest fear is losig you. I have lost everyone I loved, and I have expectations that you will stay. I don't mind that I have to carry you to soothe you or help you accept what you are suffering. What I really mind is that I feel helpless cause you don't feel better. Today I asked mom this question; why do babies have to suffer if the have done nothing wrong?! And, the answer came to my head a couple of hours later. We don't suffer because we did something wrong. We suffer to grow. Any growing process of any kind has a part of suffering and pain. Remember that dear, cause you will always have to face it. Some people try to avoid this suffering, and as a result they don't grow, and they get a different kind of pain, pain of helplessness and failure, the pain of slavery. Never allow this, just accept the suffering of the growth and you will do fine, just when you cross that last step, the feeling is amazing. You even feel grateful for what you have been through because it made you a new person.
Watching you all the time, I barely leave you. I had to on Thursday cause I had to go to work to get my salary, and I could feel that something wrong was going to happen on that day. I have learned to never under estimate my intuition, and it happened, I had an accident on the road. My car became like a shield to protect a man crossing the ring road and two other cars had collided with mine. The only thing I was caring about that moment is that the man survives, and he did. I think God sent me in that moment and asked me to push the breaks with no thinking for this man to return home to his kids. It was a horrible day, till mom sent me your photo on whatsapp after you had your meal. That brough life back to my heart and a smile to my face. Another lesson here, trust your intuition. As an Aquarious like I am you will have this gift of being able to tell some things about the future. Believe in yourself and don't let anyone make you doubt your abilities.
During the past 19 days you have grown a lot, that today you started teething! You only got a one day break after the side effects of the vaccine!
I see you an expressive person, I know you will be talkative and active. You act more feminine too than I do. You like to put your cheek against mine when am carrying you. You seem so intelligent too, after you have your bath, which you always enjoy, when I start dressing you, whenever you see the nappies you start crying! You hate it! When I carry you and look in the mirror you smile at your reflection. You are that cute sweet baby who wakes up with a smile. You smle and play after you have your meal. You suck your thumb to fall asleep. I know you are hungry when you are sleeping when you start suckig. You did that the first week and I gave you herbs at fajr every night till you got used to our home. You barely cry, eiher you wanna go to bed or you are too hungry. When I kiss you you smile, you even understand when I send you a kiss in the air while you are sitting on your chair.
The last couple of paragraphes I wrote before Ramadan started, now we are approaching the end of Ramadan. There are lots of first times that is so hard to keep on writing here, like the first time I tried to clip your nails and I hurt you badly coz your wound refused to heal for a couple of days! I try to take photos for you all the time to keep a record for these first times. You have been been home for more than 40 days now, and I still get moments that I look at you, and I still can't believe this all has happened. And other moments that I think how I ever could live before you show up in my life.
I think our special journey has come to an end. Now, we live together, and I keep all your first time photos on facebook, as I don't have much time for writing, and it is already a new phase for us together.
I would like to end this journey with a quote by Marquez that was mentioned in the series "Saq Al Bamboo", which is running in Ramadan this year on TV...
“She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children but because of the friendship formed while raising them.”
I know you will be my best friend, my life companion, the only true love in my life...
I love you, now and forever :*
Comments
Post a Comment